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The scandal, sleaze, and sunburnt expat drama on our little island!
Hola, bitch.
Pull up a chair, order something cold, and prepare your soul — because this week in Mallorca has been hotter, messier, and more dramatic than a Portals divorce!
Let’s get into it.
🎂 BIRTHDAY INSTINCT
Famous Mallorca residents, Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta Jones celebrate their joint birthday.
Whilst holed up in their Valldemossa estate, the festivities were dramatic. A giant chocolate cake appeared, with candles spelling 25 years…as if anyone needed reminding that this age gap means that Michael was already a father whilst Catherine’s proud parents were eyeing up a suitable nursery for her to attend.
🗡️ RESIDENTS LIVID AS ARMS CACHE STORED NEAR PALMA
Pretty much the last time was at war with a foreign country
Residents of Mallorca rightly have the hump at the prospect of having a massive ammunition dump on the island. The last time Spain was involved in a war with a foreign power, the camera had yet to be invented! It was 1898, in case you are wondering!
🎤 JASON DONOVAN IN MALLORCA
Jason ‘Chopping Up…’
Jason Donovan is starring in a production of The Rocky Horror Show in Mallorca between 16th-19th October.
BUT, life wasn’t always just getting dressed up in a brightly coloured coat and prancing around to the cheers of middle aged woman. Jason, recently confessed to hoovering up 30 lines of cocaine during his stint as Frank N’ Furter in the 1990´s. Apparently, even his drug dealer expressed concerns….
💶 Rachel Reeves Driving the Mallorcan Tourist Economy
Rachel Reeves, currently doing a stella job of crashing the UK economy, has revealed she wants to drive more tourists to the Balearic Islands.
The hapless Chancellor has announced that she will be taxing downtrodden Brits to holiday in their own country leading to a larger queue at Palma airport next summer.
🌴 THE ISLAND WHISPER NETWORK
Anonymous confessions from our Balearic Bitch spy network.
“Some redheaded Hollywood-wannabe got so drunk she face-planted into a fellow diner at Marc Foch” -the closest she’s ever been to landing a role.
Which ex-boyband member was overheard telling someone he “moved here for privacy,” while FaceTiming loudly at a beach club for 45 straight minutes?
💌 Submit your own whispers here →
🍸 THIS WEEK IN EXPAT FOOLERY
German tourist spotted on Jaume III yesterday, searching for vibes that don’t exist.
A drunk driver in Palma calmly waltzed into the nearest bar for another livener after crashing into several cars to wait for police to catch up with him. The outraged owner of Taberna Can Bruno said “it was a shock”. 😂
Famous Mallorca resident and all round legend, Bjorn Borg, has penned an autobiography and spoke for the entire ex-pat community writing “I tried to escape with drugs, pills and alcohol”. Join the club mate
🔥 Quick Hit
👍 In 2015, Susan was the most common female ex pat name in the whole of Spain
If this made you smirk, forward it to the bitchiest person you know in Mallorca.
If it made you uncomfortable… you might have been in it.
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